“will we ever say the words we’re feeling? reach down underneath and tear down all the walls. will we ever have our happy ending? or will we forever only be pretending?”

i can’t deny it. i still have feelings for you. you’re perfect to me and that kills me. every time i see you i feel it and i can’t ignore it any more. i don’t know if i’m imagining it, but i see the look you hold and some of the things you say…i can’t help but think you feel the same too. and if you do, i say we stop pretending, cause i’m tired acting like i don’t feel what i do. i don’t feel much, but i know what i feel with you- and it’s real.

today’s my last day of being a legal kid. tomorrow, papers say i’m an adult. and i’m not excited. i mean i’m never excited for my birthday, but tomorrow i’m 18 and i should be. it’s a passage of freedom to every teenager and we’re supposed to basically worship our 18th birthday. but i’m really not excited. i think it’s just gotten worse over the years but these past 4 years especially. my grandma would mistake my birthday for the day before or after because my oldest cousin has the same birthday. it’s a sad day for the other side of my family cause it’s the same birthday as my uncle that committed suicide. so i always feel like while they’re at his grave crying and giving flowers, what right do i have to skip around laughing and opening gifts. especially cause he can’t. it’s the day my nana left her family for hawai‘i so it’s kind of her turning point in her life, and not because it’s the day her oldest grandchild was born. and not to mention it’s the month of may. may is a horrible month for my entire family cause one day comes to mind with that name. so i guess i thought tomorrow would be different. but it’s not. and i’m kinda glad it’s finals so i get to hide out in my classrooms. i just want to go to school, come home to study, and get the day over with. thank God my parents have nothing planned for me. 18 here we come, but please come and go quickly.